I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
