So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
