it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
