I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
