Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
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Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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