Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
