Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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