I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
