When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
