Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
