Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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