I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
