There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
