I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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