there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
