I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
