I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
