I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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