Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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