Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
