WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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