I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
