JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
