I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
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I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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