It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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