If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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