another moral hangover. fuck.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
