I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
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I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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