I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
