party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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