Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
