Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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