I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
