so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
