maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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