I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
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tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
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I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize