ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
