And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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