I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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