it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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