But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
