I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
