I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
