just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
