Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
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You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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