i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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