Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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