I wanna bring you to show and tell
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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