insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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