if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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