Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
