its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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