guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
