I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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