My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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