she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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