Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
