Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
