So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
