Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Walk of Shame today included voting.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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