i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
