I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
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I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
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You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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